Greg McKeown:
Welcome everyone. I’m your host, Greg McKeown, and today is episode four of four about my adventures at the University of Cambridge.
How important are friendships in your life? At the end of this episode, you’ll be able to cultivate deeper connections with your friends by creating a safe space for open heart conversation. Let’s get to it
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In the heart of Cambridge, a city clearly steeped in history and a sort of intellectual prowess, flies the eagle. It’s a storied RAF pub and has witnessed the unfolding of countless tales within its hallowed walls. The warm amber light that spills from its windows beckons to everyone who passes by, inviting them to step across the threshold and into a world where the past and present entwine in an enchanting dance.
The Eagle’s rich legacy is not only rooted in its role as a gathering place for RAF heroes, but also in the whispers of scientific discovery that have echoed through its rooms within these very walls.
A monumental revelation was born, one that would reshape our understanding of the very fabric of life itself. On a fateful day in 1953, 2 brilliant minds, James Watson and Francis Crick, entered the RAF Eagle, their spirits alike with the thrill of discovery. At the time, both scientists were working at the Cavendish Laboratory in Cambridge. After making their breakthrough, they entered the pub to share their exciting news. They had just unlocked the secret structure of DNA, the elegant double helix that holds the blueprint of life. It is said that Crick proclaimed, “We have discovered the secret of life,” to the patrons of the Eagle.
In that warm embrace of the Eagle, they shared their groundbreaking findings with their fellow patrons, the air thick, with the hum of excitement and awe. The pub wants a sanctuary for the brave men and women of the RAF in both the First World War and the Second World War, had now, at this moment, become a crucible for the birth of a scientific milestone, just forever etched in the annals of history.
And there is something magical in the Eagle, a testament to the power of human curiosity, but also in its cozy nooks and under its storied ceiling, the whispers of the past continue to inspire anyone who seeks to understand the mysteries of life, as in the case of Watson and Crick or the mysteries of ourselves and each other.
The ceiling of the RAF bar is a particularly remarkable feature. It draws the gaze of just every visitor who enters the establishment. It’s crafted from sturdy oak beams. It exudes an air of time-honored solidity, speaking to the bar’s rich heritage, and the warm amber glow from these antique light fixtures casts a soft, inviting light across the room, accentuating the intricate patterns of the wooden panels, and lends an ambiance to the space.
Every inch of the ceiling serves as a canvas for an astonishing collection of memorabilia suspended as if frozen in time, and as you gaze upon the ceiling, one striking feature captures your attention. A seemingly endless sea of signatures edged into the very fabric of the establishment. Each is a signature, a cherished memory, a moment in time where airmen and airwomen from the Royal Air Force graced the bar with their presence. These signatures, some written in bold, confident strokes and others in delicate looping script, some burned in with matches or cigarette lighters, all form a living record of the men and women who have passed through this storied space. The names span decades, chronicling the evolving history of the RAF and the courageous individuals who have been part of its legacy.
Whether the names on the ceilings belong to decorated pilots or legendary squadron leaders or names that are less familiar but still hold just as much significance, they represent the countless unsung heroes who have served with honor and dedication. Those signatures create an intimate connection between past and present as if the spirits of those who once frequented the place still linger, sharing their stories and camaraderie with each new generation of patrons.
And it is here in the heart of the historic city of Cambridge, amidst the echoes of a storied past, that a new tapestry of friendship has woven itself into existence. It’s modest enough. Anna and I were invited, along with our cherished friends, Champ and Lady, Robert, and Amy, to find solace in each other’s company, forming a bond that transcends the fleeting nature of time. Our gatherings at the RAF Eagle and other treasured locales have become a haven of warmth and understanding. Laughter and heartfelt conversations meld together in a symphony of shared experience. As that soft amber light casts a gentle glow on our faces, the walls of that place seem to absorb our stories and confidences adding them to the rich chronicle of human connection that permeates the very air, whether there or in other location the presence of these now dear friends, I have found solace in vulnerability discovering that the act of opening up my heart to others who I can trust only serves to strengthen the ties that bind us.
Each shared meal, each exchange of thoughts and dreams weave together another vibrant thread into the fabric of our friendships. We have found a sanctuary, a space where we can feel safe and inspired in equal measure. The camaraderie that we share serves as a warm light guiding us through the complexities of our current lives and reminding us of the boundless power of human connection. And there in that place recently I was thinking of you.
I was thinking of the challenges of your lives, the things that you know about on the surface, the things that you carry more hidden within, known to you but not often shared with others or at all. And then I thought even deeper than that, of the things that you don’t know about but that clearly impact your life shape your decisions, sometimes limit your opportunities and choices, but for want of having people to be able to safely share these deeper insights with a thought of the terrible loneliness that almost all of us feel at certain times in our lives or even in small degrees every day of our lives.
In episode 91 of this podcast, I interviewed Jennie Allen. You can go back and listen to that episode, and she said something to the effect that all of us spend our entire lives looking for someone, a friend who can really understand us, who can really connect with us, bring out the best in us, and how I long for that for you and for me in greater measure.
According to organizational psychologist David Buras, in an article in Harvard Business Review called How to Make Friends in a New City, one of the keys is to get to know the whole person. After outlining suggestions for how to meet new people in the first place, he says, “When you do meet them, resist the urge to keep the conversation focused solely on one element. Don’t only talk about your jobs, your families, or your hobbies. Instead, look for commonalities in multiple different spheres of your life. Doing so will help you build what network scientists call a “multiplex” tie.” That is “a connection with multiple contexts. Not only does this kind of connection help you get to know each other on a more intimate level, it also gives you more reasons to stay in touch.” Elsewhere He explains that research suggests that relationships built on multiplex ties tend to be richer, more trusting, and longer lasting.
And one of the lead researchers on such network preferences, Monica Molik Stallings has found we have measured preference for connecting with people with whom we have multiplex ties or ties that involve an overlap of roles or affiliations in a social relationship. You can read more about this in some of Stalling’s research called Reaching up: The influence of gender, status, and relationship type on men’s and women’s network preferences.
You can find that at gregmckeown.com. Just click on the podcast link where every episode has both the show notes and also the transcript to help you put this thinking into action.
And that’s a great transition because in the gentle embrace of friendship where we can find solace and inspiration, a haven where we can truly understand one another, let me suggest the following. Two pieces of actionable advice.
- Cultivate a sacred space for open-hearted conversation.
When we seek to truly understand our friends, it is essential to create an atmosphere of safety and trust. A sanctuary where vulnerability is welcomed with open arms As you gather with your friends, with your closest people, whether it’s in some cozy confine of a storied RAF bar or the comforts of your own home. Take a moment to set the stage for open-hearted conversation. Invite every individual to share their thoughts, dreams, and fears, and listen with the intent to truly hear and comprehend the melodies of their souls.
When we listen like that, we will not have one single boring moment. As you delve into the depths of each other’s experiences, let empathy and compassion be your guiding stars. Resist at all measures the urge to judge or interrupt, and instead strive to see the world through the eyes of your friend. By opening your heart to their perspective and offering the gift of your undivided attention, you create a space where understanding can blossom and flourish.
- Embrace the transformative power of shared experiences.
The threads that bind us together in friendship are often forged in the crucible of shared experiences. To deepen your understanding of one another, seek out opportunities to create new memories together, whether through adventures in the great outdoors or quiet evenings spent in contemplation, or laughter-filled gatherings over shared meals.
These experiences, rich in emotion and discovery, serve as a canvas upon which you can paint a vibrant portrait of your friendships as you navigate the ebbs and flows of life. Together, you will find that each shared moment becomes a beacon of light, I suppose, illuminating the path toward deeper connection and understanding. By cultivating such a sacred space for open-hearted conversation and embracing the transformative power of shared experiences, you can embark on a journey of understanding that transcends the boundaries of time and distance. As you weave these threads of connection into the fabric of your friendships, you will discover that the tapestry of human connection is indeed a masterpiece to be treasured.
Thank you. Really, thank you for listening. I hope you’ve enjoyed this little exploration in the disciplined pursuit of understanding with friends. What is one idea from today’s episode that stands out to you, and what is one action you can take immediately following this episode to implement it? And who is somebody that you can invite to be on this journey with you?
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